19.12.2023. home for the holidays

I went home for the holidays. I am not sure if it’s only the memories and the end of my past 23 years that make me extremely emotional and lonely walking here or how everything seems still and abandoned in this foggy chill but I can’t keep myself from replaying scenes of what were and what could’ve been.

I’ve been hanging around these playgrounds as a kid, eating ice cream with my mom. I sat on this peer to cry when I was 16. I went to this coast to take photos, later to play with my little niece. I walked down this area so many times with different emotions and different actual happenings, wondering everytime how nice it would be to take someone on a romantic date here, to show him this part of the most vulnerable version of me. Then I suddenly realized, I kept doing that all along. Everything I did here was very romantic, and I can see the course of my youth running down this few meters.

Everything seems to be the same but at the same time everything has changed. I forgot which keys open the door but I know in which counter I find my favorite mug. It feels very hard right now. But I found a nice bike in the basement of my old apartment in Budapest and that reminded me of my new life. People in Hungary don’t cycle that much.